The Unfit Diaries

A colleague of mine is going to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday by swimming 5 km a day in the Mediterranean. Yes, I know we would just have a party and drink, however...
Her writing is very funny and entertaining and her updates can be found on http://www.knowspickings.blogspot.com 
Below is her first enter of The Unfit Diaries.

I was recently invited to swim Turkey with a friend of mine who, in a midlife moment, thought it would be better than throwing a party.  
In the long term, I think she will prove to be right. However, now it's a different story. 
Anyway, now I have to start swimming training in order to swim my way down a tiny part of the Turkish coast.  To ensure that there are no drownings or unsightly sightings of Blue Whales in the Med, I am hoping that the swimming will tone me down to a lissom Orca.
I psyched myself up for the first swim. I changed into my suit and went through to the pool area where I then struggled for 15 minutes to get the cap on my head. Since when have swimming caps been made out of glue and hair grabbers?  Just as I was about to abort the mission and slink embarrassedly back into the change room, I managed to get it on - although I am sure my eyebrows were part of my hair line, which resulted in my looking extremely surprised the entire time. 
I jumped into the pool and struck out. Then I opened my eyes underwater.  Chlorine and eyes don't make a great mix. Anyway, I bravely swam 20 lengths (all the while looking surprised). It was great. 'This is a cinch' I thought to myself. 'I can do this.'  I was feeling quite proud of myself until I tried to heave myself out of the pool. Needless to say it didn't go well and only managed to get my boobs clear of the water before slithering - a bit like a manatee - back into the pool.  I stayed underwater for 5 minutes hoping no-one had seen and then doggy-paddled to the side where I found the steps.
Encouraged by my prowess, I had a look at the recommended daily swimming chart drawn up by the people.  I fear crack is readily available in the UK and may have had something to do with their suggestions.  I showed it to Chad le Clos who said it was 'impossible' and not to be recommended unless you were him which I'm not.  Clearly.